Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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