Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
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