i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I just gift wrapped bread.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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