You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
