so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
FUCK WHALES
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
