i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
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