dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Randomize
