Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I supernannyed him into submission
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
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