K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
