running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Randomize
