Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize