Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
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