If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
