Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Randomize
