I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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