if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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