Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
