When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
