Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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