I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize