So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
