his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
