my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
