You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
