Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize