I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
