Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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