I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
