Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
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