Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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