Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
