i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
