White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Damn victory sex feels great
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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