I wanna passion pit in your ass
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize