New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
