Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
