I'm jealous of your bromance
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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