My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Shame - the story of my life.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
