Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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