he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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