Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Too much gin, very little bucket
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Randomize
