God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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