You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
