You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
