Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
