look no pants
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
