I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
