I wish my penis had an off switch
Duck Duck Cougar?
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
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