The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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