She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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