I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
