First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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