WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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