I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Randomize
