some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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