I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
