I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
i out mim tonsoeep
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
