I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
