Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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