You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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