Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
